The Linear Spiral - My Spiritual Awakening
When I was fourteen years old I experienced what I came to regard as my spiritual awakening. I was walking home from school in a suburban neighborhood on a sunny afternoon in spring. Up until the moment of my awakening there was nothing particularly unusual about this day that could make it stand out from any other day. As I walked my wandering gaze fell upon one of the houses I was walking by. I stopped in my tracks and stared because I was suddenly stunned by what I saw. It is difficult to describe because with the visual explanation there was also a feeling that words can only meekly convey.
Visually, the house seemed to be emanating waves of energy. Much like a pebble in a pool, with the house being the pebble and the air around it being the pool, wave after wave of “house energy” rippled out in every direction. The house itself, even though it seemed to be the progenitor of the “house energy waves,” looked like what I can only describe as the most fragile of illusions. I looked at the small bright green shrub next to the house and it too was emanating “shrub energy” in outward ripples that mixed with the house ripples creating interference patterns in the air. The car in the driveway was rippling “car energy” waves. Everything I beheld was sending out these ripples of energy and these ripples were all merging with each other into the air and sky. Each item, in turn, also had a characteristic of seeming to be illusory.
Returning my attention to the house, the illusion - which was the house itself - seemed so fragile that it seemed it could just blink out of existence at any moment and I felt that if it did the house would suddenly be gone. At that moment, faster than the speed of thought, for the briefest picosecond, I had the impression that it did blink out and that I saw behind the veil of illusion. It was the most remarkable moment in my life. I was awestruck. But the glimpse I had was so brief that in the very instant that I saw it, I lost it. It was the beginning of the thought and feeling of “This is the truth!” but only the beginning. It was a remarkable gift and a terrible curse. I felt I had seen a glimpse of the underpinnings of all of existence but not enough of a glimpse to be able to even ask about what it was that I had seen.
The whole experience lasted around 60 to 90 seconds and then everything looked more or less just as it had before. I was dumbstruck as I looked around wishing that I could somehow recreate the experience. But I could not. I have never experienced anything like it since. In journaling throughout the years, I have referred to this moment as my spiritual birth.
I continued to walk home but was left with a resounding question ringing through my entire being that can probably best be summed by, “What is the meaning of life?!” Other questions quickly sprang forth: What is the point of human existence? What is this illusion all around us? Is there purpose here? If so, what is the purpose? What is behind it? What is the big picture? Where did this all come from? How did this come to be? What are we supposed to be doing? And so on and so on.
In an attempt to answer some or any of these questions, I started seeking the answers diligently. I was more or less obsessed with finding an answer. I asked anyone and everyone that was willing to talk about it and I sought the answers through religion, philosophy, the esoteric, metaphysics, under rocks, behind trees, in the sky, in static on the television, through online bulletin boards (this was before the world wide web), in the thoughtful eyes of dogs and cats and even the seemingly knowing stare of little babies. I sought meaning from everything I beheld.
Nobody seemed to be able to explain any of it to me. Most people did not want to talk about it at all and some of the religious who were willing to talk quickly became uncomfortable with my probing questions and would say something to the effect, “You should talk to my preacher.”
This ceaseless seeking of answers is what ultimately led to the Philosophy of Not and the creation of this YouTube channel, The Linear Spiral.